ECUADOR, SOUTH AMERICA – In a shocking announcement made Friday morning, the US Government said that they had struck a deal with Ecuadorian president Lenín Moreno to use the local tortoise population to detect and disarm bombs and land mines.
Naturally, the announcement has deeply angered the citizens of Ecuador. Critics in the South American country say the agreement is not only cruel and inhumane, but grossly unconstitutional.
Under an apparent deal with Ecuador’s right-wing government, the Pentagon plans to use the vulnerable creatures to detect and disarm IEDs and hidden land mines in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Angola, Somalia, Kuwait, and Cambodia. As the deal is in it’s infancy, plans are still in the works to divvy up concentrations of the animals to each branch of the military.
U.S President Donald Trump took to Twitter early Friday saying the docile creatures would be perfect for the job. “Tortoises are basically worthless. They’re slow, stupid, and have no skills whatsoever,” Trump tweeted. “Believe me. They’re absolutely terrible. Some, I assume, are good animals, but if we blow a few of them up, who the hell is going to care?”
US Department of Defense spokesperson Chris Mitchell informed Content Spew that “while the US-Ecuador defense relationship continues to move in a positive direction, the Department of Defense has not yet signed an agreement with the Government of Ecuador to use the tortoises anywhere outside of Asia and Africa.” However, Mitchell did note that he would like to see the US deploy the creatures to Antarctica some time in the near future.