Washington D.C. – As the U.S. death toll from coronavirus nears 200,000 citizens, President Donald Trump announced today that he has some amazing news. According to Trump, buying your very own My Pillow may cure coronavirus.
“My good friend Mike Lindell tells me that his incredible pillows have shown great promise in curing the deadly China virus,” said Trump as he loveling embraced a solid gold My Pillow. This news is a big step in the right direction and I’m a big fan of this incredible product. Simply lovely pillows from a simply lovely man. I applaud Mike’s tireless efforts to fight for the American People and make this country great again.”
The Detractors Emerge
However, not everyone agreed with the President. According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, “My Pillow has not shown to benefit coronavirus patients in any way. Additionally, it has yet to be proven effective as an adequate support structure for the neck and has repeatedly failed to provide a good night’s sleep.”
Director of the National Institutes of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci again came to rain on the President’s parade. When asked at a task force briefing if My Pillow is an effective coronavirus treatment, Fauci said “the answer is no.” According to Fauci, signs of the pillow’s promise to cure coronavirus are, at best, “anecdotal evidence.” Additionally, Fauci emplored the American public to ignore the president’s “nonsensical ramblings,” added “this man is going to murder us all!”
Despite these statements, the President continues to tout My Pillow as “the best chance we have to end China’s reign of terror.” He also concluded that the NIH and CPSC were, quote, “fake news.” Trump his announcement saying, “I feel good about it. That’s all it is, just a feeling, you know? But we’re working on a subsidy program to get these lovely pillows into the hands of every American.” For the time being, he urged every American to place an order for their very own My Pillow as quickly as possible.
Later that day, in a completely unrelated announcement, Mike Lindell posted on the company’s Facebook praising the President’s recognition of My Pillow‘s anti-viral properties and for bringing God back into the public sphere. Soon after, Lindell announced he would be donating $5,000,00 to Trump’s relection campaign.