Coronavirus Stage 3 Roadmap to Include Reintroduction of Snortable Illicit Drugs
Opinion: Everyone But Me Needs to Get Back to Normal
Why are you all sitting at home? Because the government told you to? Stop being a pussy. It’s time for things to get back to normal.
Crust Punk May Hold Key To Coronavirus Cure
Doctors confirm that a local homeless crust punk from New York City may hold the key to a cure for Coronavirus.
Donald Trump Appoints Mr. Clean to Head Sanitation commission
As part of his new Coronavirus task force, President Donald Trump appointed Mr. Clean as the head of the defunct U.S. Sanitary Commission.
Mayor Carolyn Goodman Begins Strangling Las Vegas Residents to Death
After her embarrassing suggestion to reopen the city of Las Vegas was met with scorn and ridicule, Mayor Carolyn Goodman began strangling random citizens to death.
Amid Coronavirus Pandemic, New York Hospitals Reach out to Volunteers for Homemade Body Bags
Amid cries for help from overwhelmed doctors, nurses, and coroners, hospitals have begun reaching out to the public to supply homemade body bags.
Local Child Dies After Consuming Expired Car Seat
Recent reports indicate that the failure to replace a child’s expired car seat has resulted in the death of a toddler who consumed a portion of the outdated vehicular safety device.
K-Y Introduces New Kosher Personal Lubricant
Just in time for Passover, personal lubricant producer K-Y rolled out their new line of Kosher-certified silicone and water-based sex jellies.
Local Deputies Seize Black Market Toilet Paper Laced With Fentanyl
In a historic drug bust, nearly 2lbs of black market toilet paper laced with the deadly synthetic narcotic Fentanyl was seized after a routine traffic stop.
Trump Pardons Joe Exotic in Desperate Bid for “the Gay Vote”
In a desperate bid to secure “the gay vote” in the 2020 presidential election, Donald Trump announced he would pardon Tiger King Joe Exotic.
“The Fuckening” – Fuck Bots of the Future, Today!
Once AI is implemented we’re gonna have a national security issue on our hands & wangs. Sit tight humanity. The fuck bots are cumming to a store near you.
Donald Trump – “My Pillow” May Cure Coronavirus
According to a recent announcement by President Donald Trump, buying your very own “My Pillow” may help cure coronavirus.
Family Dog Caught In Possession of Sample Ballot
According to a conservative woman, their family dog was caught with a sample ballot and was planning to vote for Joe Biden.
Vulture Lands on Biden’s Podium During Televised Campaign Speech
During a recent televised public address, a menacing vulture landed on Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden’s podium.
National Strippers’ Union to Phase out Police Uniforms
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