After #WhereIsJoe began trending on Twitter last Friday, concerned friends and family requested that local authorities conduct a welfare check on the Democratic presidential frontrunner. At the time of arrival, the door was found to be unlocked. After repeated attempts to communicate with Joe Biden via his pager, police entered his home to conduct a search of the premises.
Upon entering his residence, the welfare team found a severely malnourished, barely conscious Biden trapped under a large pile of dirty laundry. Soon after, the confused and malnourished presidential hopeful was excavated from the mound of soiled underwear and dress shirts.
Biden was rushed to Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering’s Regional Medical Center where he was treated for dehydration and a bruised ego. At the request of his family, Biden was put into a medically-induced coma so he could get some rest.
Field reporters from Content Spew caught up with Joe Biden at the hospital. In a statement made from his bed, Mr. Biden remarked, “well, golly ain’t this a dilly of a pickle, I tell ya what. I’ve never been one to turn down a good foot rub, and as we know, there’ve been some wonderful advances in the fields of Afro-American job creation.”
In a public statement released Monday morning, Biden’s deputy campaign manager and communications director Kate Bedingfield reassured his supporters that Joe was recovering and on the mend. “Joe is doing well and his brain appears to have sustained little or no damage,” said Bedingfield. “One thing I can tell you for sure is that he definitely isn’t suffering from severe dementia. I’m confident that Joe will be back on the campaign trail in no time.”