NAPERVILLE, IL – DeVry University has tapped Trump Organization Vice President/COO and Twitter punching bag, Eric Trump, to deliver the commencement address to its graduating class of 2020. The online speech, expected to air on Zoom, YouTube, Facebook, Twitch, and the dark web, is not without controversy. Trump will reportedly receive a $20,000 speaking fee as well as an honorary degree.
DeVry Communications Director, Assistant Provost for Delinquent Student Payments, and Professor of Dental Office Administration, Betsy Wormwood, expressed excitement and anticipation about having the President’s second eldest son address the DeVry graduates. “We’re honored and privileged to have world-renowned businessman Eric Trump share words of inspiration with our graduates,” said Wormwood. “Frankly we were surprised Eric agreed. After all, we were turned down by his sisters, Ivanka and Tiffany, and his brothers Don Jr. and Barron. Even his second cousin Frieda Trump-Smalley said she wasn’t interested.”
An Event to Remember
The commencement speech is expected to draw as many as two dozen graduates, including excited DeVry Senior, Corey Becker, a Carpet Installation Management Studies graduate. “I can relate to Eric, even though I wasn’t born a millionaire and I now owe $60,000 in student loans,” mused Becker. “We both have an older brother who attended in-person college, has way more friends, and is daddy’s favorite. So Eric is an underdog like me.”
Wormwood defended the $20,000 speaking fee, as a necessary evil. “Look, we are a for-profit college, so we understand pay to play. You need to spend money to get things done whether it’s obtaining a useless online degree or getting a sixth-choice commencement speaker.
When asked to comment on the controversy Trump’s spokesperson and long-time golf buddy, Dicky Woods issued this terse statement. “Rest assured Eric will deliver a memorable speech. He and his writers from Fiverr are hard at it as we speak. They’re crafting the right words to inspire this next generation of office managers, veterinary technicians, and HVAC specialists. He’ll come through just as he did for the epic party he threw when we graduated community college.”
Marc Yaffee is a nationally-touring stand-up comedian (laughwithmarc.com). You can currently see his latest comedy special, Mid-Laugh Crisis, for free at drybarcomedy.com/Marc.
