Since the dawn of time, white people have wondered if Mexicans speaking Spanish in public were, in fact, talking shit about them behind their backs. Today, in a historic announcement, the entire Mexican community collectively admitted that, yes, they are. Now, after years of assuming the worst, white people had their greatest fears realized.
“I fucking knew it,” said 82 year old elderly woman Dorthy White. “I’ve been trying to tell people this for years but they said I was crazy! Well who’s crazy now?” Certainly not you Dorthy. Certainly not you.
We asked a random Mexican guy at Home Depot if he agreed with the announcement. He responded, saying “Demonios, sí, hemos estado hablando mierda sobre ellos. ¿Por qué si no estaríamos hablando español?”
The investigative team at Content Spew then traveled down to Mexico to interview some of the local townsfolk. “Es tan divertido. Esos gringos no tenían idea.,” said Salvador Gonzales of Mexicali. Sergio Rodriguez told us “Ha sido divertido y nos hemos reído mucho, pero sentimos que es hora de seguir adelante.”
Unfortunately, none of the writers or editors or interns at Content Spew speak Spanish so we’re not exactly sure what our interviewees were saying. However, as we packed up and drove off, the delightful crowd cordially waved goodbye, shouting “Esperamos que choque su auto camino a casa.” We will have a safe drive home guys. Thanks for the kind words.
In response to the announcement, a disaster relief fund has already been set up by private donors. It will help cover the expense of hiring grief counselors and trauma therapists for all white men and women who may be in shock by the news. The Red Cross has also announced they will be on site with blankets and hot chocolate.
If you’re white and your feelings have been hurt, please call your local police department or visit RedCross.org for more information.