If you’re anything like me, you popped out 2 kids before you were old enough to drink. You didn’t know what the hell to do, and let’s be honest, sometimes you still don’t know! But hey, I’ve got 2 school-aged kids and they’re still alive. Hell, they haven’t even been to jail yet. Not once! Therefore, I must be doing this parenting thing right.
So ya, they’re adorable, sure. But what do you DO with them? How do you make sure you’re doing this whole parenting thing as good as I am? Fear not! I’m here to answer all those questions and more. We’re going to go over the basics of child-rearing. You’re gonna need to know this stuff, cause believe me, being a parent is one hell of a ride!
Tip #1 – Potty Training
If your child is a toddler and of potty training age, good God, I am sorry. But, it’s not all bad news. The key is to get this out the way fast, and the younger you start them the better. Don’t “wait until they’re ready.” Seriously. Most of us would still be shitting our pants if we knew someone would clean it!
Start. Them. EARLY! Seriously! As soon as your baby can sit up, it is time to hit the potty. About 2 weeks old is perfect! If you have twins, no problem. They can use the same training seat to save time and space. What more could a mother ask for?
Parenting Tip #2 – A Healthy Diet
I hear that Keto thing is really good for you. Children can do it too so feed them steaks. Nothing else. It’s got all your proteins, aminos, macchiatos, and much more! Steaks are also blendable, for the kiddos with no teeth yet!
Or you can breastfeed. You know what they say, breast IS best. Feel free to whip out those titties wherever you are. Everyone loves boobs so nobody will mind. And better still, there’s no age cap on the nutritional value of breastmilk. So feel free to pack up a mommy protein shake for your high schoolers too!
Tip #3 – Get a Job You Lazy Bum
One important lesson to teach your kids is DON’T BE A MOOCH! Nothing in life is free. You cook for them, clean up their messes, put up with sleepovers, do their homework because “DAMMIT CHRISTOPHER I’VE SHOWED HOW TO DO THIS SAME MATH PROBLEM 12 TIMES,” etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Make them earn their keep and contribute to the household!
If they’re old enough to ask you for the Minecraft expansion pack, they’re old enough to sell used vehicles and provide phone-based tech support. Make them help you pay the bills! Don’t get them another Hotwheels set or Barbie doll. Give your kids an early start at a promising career! It’s a gift for both of you! No freeloading in YOUR house.
Tip #4 – Do Their Homework
Let’s be honest here. Look where you live right now. I bet it sucks – a real shithole. Just disgusting. You spend all your damn money on these little turds and no matter what you do, you’re always broke. Your child is your ticket to a better life!
You can’t afford your luxury retirement home if your kid is working at Wal-Mart. A college degree is essential. So you may have to, no, MUST do their homework for them. This will ensure they get good grades and qualify for scholarships. Can’t remember quadratic equations? Neither can I. Nobody can. Good thing there are handy math apps that do the work for you! Harvard, here we come!
Tip #5 – Clean the Damn House
Chances are, if you’re a parent, you have a messy house that doesn’t stay clean more than 2 hours tops. You’re gonna need some backup. A good age to start assigning chores is around 4 or 5 years old. Keep it simple like changing the oil on your vehicle, trimming the hedges, and replacing the shingles on the roof. Mom or Dad will take care of the difficult tasks like vacuuming and folding laundry.
Tip #6 – Don’t Be a Little Bitch
Dads, this is for you. MEN DON’T CRY. Period, end of story. Think your baby mama would have ever reproduced with a cry baby? I THINK NOT. Instill the same values that your father taught you. Crying is for girls. Men DON’T CRY!
Bottle that shit up and deal with the emotional distress on your own like the rest of the men in your family. Make sure your son does the same. Are you a single mother? Let your son know you left his dad because you ain’t no lesbian and CRYING IS FOR GIRLS.
Tip #7 – Healthy Competition
Alright, let’s get things straight: NO PARTICIPATION TROPHIES. If there’s one thing parenting has taught me, it’s that kids need a good challenge. This helps them prepare for the neverending disappointment that is life. Teach them to properly deal with failure now so they can cope as adults.
We have all played a video game with our kid or our side piece’s kids or whatever. If you LET your child win, what are you teaching them when they get into the real world? NOTHING. So kick their ass at Mario Kart. It’s okay if they’ve already lost 28 races. It’s ok if you rub it in their face that you’re the winner. Doing so builds character and develops healthy coping mechanisms.
If you can color better than your kid, PUT THAT SHIT ON THE FRIDGE! Tell your child they are worthy of fridge space when their drawing looks better than yours. They’ll probably cry. This is completely natural. However, it’s all for the greater good. This will make them work harder. Oh and be sure to remind them that CRYING IS FOR GIRLS.
In conclusion, parenting is not for the faint of heart. You’ll be forced to watch Moana until YOU know all the words in the songs like some sort of brainwashed Disney zombie. You’ll get anxiety, get fat, and completely lose yourself.
However, it’s all worth it at the end of the day. You may destroy your body, mind, hopes, and dreams, but that what life is about… disappointment. But it’s not all bad. When they’re asleep, you can quietly creep to the living room, have the tv to yourself, and zone out for a bit. If you’re lucky, they won’t wake up and you’ll have a few moments to reflect on how you got here and where it all went wrong.