Apparently, over 3 weeks ago, a crazed gunman entered the Church of Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles and opened fire, killing 42 people. However, nobody seemed to notice! Despite the fact that there were several witnesses, nobody bothered to report the crime to the police. Consequently, the crime scene lay dormant and undisturbed for nearly a month.
The crime appears to have come to light after a UPS driver attempted to deliver a shipment of E-Meters to the facility on Monday morning. After discovering a larger number of rotting, bullet-riddled corpses, she reportedly sent a text about the incident to her supervisor. In turn, he sent a postcard to the Los Angeles Police Department which was delivered on or about Thursday afternoon.
“We noticed that the city was unusually peaceful,” said Officer Robert Maxwell of the LAPD. “Come to think of it, there was a significant decrease in the volume of personality test litter blowing around the streets. I don’t know. In hindsight, I suppose we should have realized something had happened, but you know how it goes.”
While it took more effort than we would have preferred, journalists from Content Spew finally caught up with the shooter, but not before stopping to grab some coffee and a bite to eat. “This was supposed to be an unprecedented event,” said gunman Forrest Gillman. “Nobody has ever shot up the Church of Scientology before! Ever! I wanted to be famous. I wanted to go down in the history books! What the hell is going on here?”
From what we can tell, Gillman began sharing details about his plans to commit the somewhat heinous act nearly two weeks before. “I posted all over Twitter and learned how to use hashtags! I streamed the event live on Facebook and even shared pictures on my Instagram after I did it! Not a single like, view, heart… nothing! This is horseshit!”
In a public statement, Wikipedia representatives and contributors collectively agreed that no one would bother to create a page about the incident, or about Gillman, for that matter. “This is a fucking nightmare! I spent all my money on ammunition and I’m broke now,” remarked a belligerent Gillman. “The cops were supposed to kill me. I haven’t even seen the cops yet. How am I supposed to pay my rent?”
Before ending the interview, officer Maxwell noted that the LAPD had already lost the paperwork. “We have no plans to pursue things further, he said. “I think we sent a janitor over to clean things up, but they may have gotten sidetracked. I’m not really sure. I just work here.”