If you’re reading this, I’m assuming that you’re at the point in life where you’re wondering if you’re still “cool” or just a grumpy old fuck. Or maybe you’re a teen who wants to know all the fun things that come with aging!

I work with teenagers and initially thought “hey, I’m not that old. Well not too much older than them. Maybe they’ll respect me!” How naive. Before I knew it, they were throwing condoms on my windshield. Then it hit me: They Think I’M OLD! They think I’m a geezer! And worst of all, they’re right.

So how do you know if you’re approaching geezer status? How can you tell if you’ve become the very thing you hate? The thing you swore you’d never become. I’ve made a handy list that will basically tell you if you’ve still got it, or if you need to start planning for your retirement. Be forewarned. You may not like what you see.

Sign #1 – You Can’t Wait to Fucking go Home!

I’m not just talking about work or college. Everyone wants to go home after that. I’m talking about the times when you get ready to go out with your friends. You dress to impress, get all pumped up to go to the club, bar, movies, parties… wherever. However, within 30 minutes of hanging out, you’re already thinking, “damn I wanna go home, put my sweats on, and just watch Netflix! I hope this living hell all ends soon!” And you know what? Your friends are thinking THE SAME THING AS YOU.

Or, even worse, you completely avoid the situation altogether! Wracked with anxiety and a disdain for the human race, you text to your friends saying “sorry, I just got sick” or “sorry I need to babysit my best friend’s dog’s second cousin.” Sometimes you’ll get lucky and your friend will bail on you first. Your heart secretly leaps with joy when you get the text “sorry, can’t make it tonight.” After all, you never wanted to go out in the first place.

Sign #2 – You Can’t Eat Like a Pig Anymore

Remember in high school when you thought you were fat but could eat a whole pizza, 20 piece nugget, extra-large root beer float, and 12 cheesecakes and still look good on the beach? Ha! If only we knew. Gone are the days when we could consume a mass amount of calories without consequences. Now, looking back, I’d revert to my “fat” teenage body any day.

Once I hit my mid 20s, I could just look at a plate of mac n’ cheese and be like, “yup, that’s gonna fuck me up real good.” You gotta have Pepto Bismol and Tums in your cabinet at all times. As you age, you go from “yea that’s gonna hurt but I’m still gonna eat it” to “oh I can’t, I’ll shit my pants!” You go from “eh, I’ll jog that off at the gym” to “dear god what have I done to myself.” Either way, you’re in self-destruct mode. A real mess. And everything you eat is basically a ticking time bomb.

Sign #3 – Social Media Doesn’t Make Sense

I remember being in high school and Myspace was THE SHIT. We had badass custom profiles, we organized our friends in our top 8, and we had a sweet My Chemical Romance playlist (don’t lie, you know you had Hawthorne Heights on there too!).

My parents didn’t know what the fuck that was. My mom ended up getting a Facebook account and insisted I be in her top 8 (I’m calling you out mom!). I remember thinking it was extremely embarrassing. Then we graduated to Facebook. I remember my mom learning how to use Myspace and Facebook and getting used to the platform.

Now here I am in my late 20s struggling to figure out shit like TicTac, Snapcrap, and Discurd. You know you’re old when you go on TicTac and don’t know WTF is going on, or why it even exists, for that matter. You kinda sorta maybe wanna make a video but don’t dare. Everyone looks half your age and can lip-sync Old Town Road better than the dude who sang it.

Sign #4 – The Slang Makes EVEN LESS Sense

First off, what the fuck is YEET?! And sksksksks? Some sort of secret code between teenage girls? After high school, we would look up new trends to understands and stay in-the-know. However, after a few years, you’re like “eh fuck all these yeets and on fleeks!” I’m convinced it’s their secret coded language to talk shit about us geezers anyway! Go find a teenager and tell him “go YEET off, you son of a fleek!” and see how offensive it really is!

Sign #5 – Your Body Hurts for No Reason

Seriously. You can’t just wake up and start your day anymore. You wake up and your head is throbbing (like it has been for the past 2 days). Your back is sore, neck is stiff, legs start cramping, your stomach is already yelling at you, and your arms are asleep because you awkwardly lay on them all night long.

It basically feels like you got jumped and gangbanged at the same time. No wonder people in their 70s are so damn cranky! They’re just a pulsating shell of pain and suffering. And you’re on your way too! It’s just a matter of time.

Sign #6 – You’re a Grumpy Piece of Shit

Your car will start to piss you off when the check engine light goes on because “WHAT THE FUCK, I JUST CHANGED THE OIL AND BRAKE PADS! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” Finally, you’ll look at people riding skateboards and feel the hatred burn inside you. Your soul lights on fire with rage, as you imagine running them down with your car. You’ve got problems man. You need therapy. Bad! But who can afford that shit… unless you find a great deal on Groupon?

It’s understandable, right? You’re an adult. You have rent, car payment, credit cards, and several collections accounts! The last thing you wanna do after your 12-hour shift is stand in line at the grocery store while a family of 10 with three carts of groceries clog up the only open checkout line because FUCK YOU Walmart! So you may lose your shit and throw a fit in the aisle. Then you realize you’re acting like a 4-year-old. But you know what, you don’t care. Fuck everyone and fuck their judgy eyes.

Sign #7 – You Turn Into a Cheap-ass

Long gone are those days of being 21 and buying a round of drinks for your friends. Fuck those guys! They can buy their own shitty beers now. Sometimes the shit you do makes no sense at all. You’ll do things like drive across town and waste your gas just to pay for the gas that’s a few cents cheaper. You’ll tell your friends “sorry, can’t go out, I’m broke” but you have 3k in your bank account. You may even catch yourself buying expired food because “expiration dates are just a conspiracy by THE MAN.”

Whatever it takes to save a few pennies, you’re all about it. You don’t care if you embarrass your kids, your friends, or your family. All that matters is that you have some money in the bank in case your goddamn check engine light goes on again. You disgust me you cheapass. You should be ashamed. And so should I because I’m just as bad.

If you read through this thinking “YUP that is definitely me”, you better call your employer to make sure life insurance is a covered benefit. Aging happens to us all. We get grumpy, confused, and nothing makes sense. We’re sore all the time and don’t know what the hell to do about it.

So to the kids who still enjoy being alive, if you see us leaving the dispensary with an overstuffed bag in our hands, mind your business whippersnappers! Your time will come so YEET us old folk alone and stop throwing condoms at my car!