With the phased reopening of businesses in the state of Nevada underway, brothels are prepping their own guidelines for re-opening the doors. The Nevada Brothels Association (NBA), not to be confused with the better-known NBA (National Bakers’ Alliance), proposed a series of measures designed to satisfy both state health officials as well as their anxious clientele.

Later, the NBA announced some of its proposed COVID-19 safety guidelines, following a three-way conference call between its executive board members. The guidelines will include; no contact sex; mandatory face masks; and plexiglass partitions on all beds. NBA board officials are confident state health officials will be satisfied with their proposals.

“We understand some of the changes will be hard for people to swallow,” said Board Member and Brothel Custodian, Donny DiNunzio, “But our business has been taking it up the ass since the outbreak.  We have to get our ladies back on their knees soon or we’re screwed.”

Brothels in Nevada now open

Brothels Back in Business

Brothel sex workers seem genuinely pleased to hear about the new protections.  “Plexiglass, finally!” commented sex worker Francesca Rae. “I’ve had enough contact with sweaty fatties to last me twelve lifetimes. How about some full-face masks with Brad Pitt, Idris Elba, or Post Malone printed on them? I provide fantasies for men. How ‘bout some for me?”

However, the proposed guidelines have been met with frustration by some long-time brothel clients, including Searchlight resident, G. Hammersted Von Rickenbocker (who’s real name has been withheld to protect privacy). “This plexiglass rule is ridiculous,” said Rickenbocker.  If I want to be in a room with a naked woman I can’t touch, I’d stay at home and watch my wife undress.”

Pahrump Madame Delilah Sparks stressed that her brothel will still offer many of their same pre-COVID-19 services, except with modifications. “We’ll be offering our world-famous customer sponge baths,” said Sparks. “Except now instead of direct contact baths, our ladies will use an extended selfie-sticks with a sponge attached.”

With their doors and staffs’ legs expected to reopen in mid-June, the NBA is confident it can recapture some of its business. For frustrated clients finally able to get back to their favorite brothels, the hope is the new guidelines won’t leave them any more sexually-frustrated than normal.

Marc Yaffee is a nationally-touring stand-up comedian (laughwithmarc.com).  You can currently see his latest comedy special, Mid-Laugh Crisis, for free at drybarcomedy.com/Marc.