Most days I enjoy being a woman. We’re fucking adorable. We’re fucking fashionable. Obviously, we’re the superior sex out of the evergrowing number of variations and delineations. But sometimes being a woman just plain SUCKS. Let’s go through the reasons why! Guys, please feel free to pity us and buy flowers and pizza.
The Red Sea
This one is a no brainer. Periods FUCKING SUCK. Men, can you imagine bleeding though your peehole and being an overemotional wreck once a month? It’s about as fun as it sounds.
We break out, get bloated as fuck, want to eat everything, get cramps, and have a week-long mood swing. This is why we say FUCK IT, throw our hair in those scraggly buns, open up a tub of ice cream, yell at you for not giving enough attention (or too much attention), and cry while watching an infomercial. It’s just a mess. Uteruses are a mess.
Don’t even get me started on what that’s like after childbirth. Did you know your uterus can literally FALL OUT of your vagina? That’s a thing you know now. So cower in fear and pray your girlfriend doesn’t chuck her uterus at you when she’s PMS-ing and pissed off that you left your beard hairs in the sink AGAIN (now’s your chance, go clean it!) Giving birth is a pain in the ass. Literally. Feels like your shitting your spine out of your body. And when you feed your baby, your nips are screaming for mercy while your baby daddy lays there with his useless nips.
Periods are hell. So go away. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me. Just kidding, come back and cuddle me, I changed my mind.
Sweater Melons
Everybody loves boobs. They’re round, jiggly, aesthetically pleasing, make good pillows, and you can use your cleavage to hold stuff for you! But they’re not all sunshine and rainbows. If you have big ol’ tittays, they bump into EVERYTHING. It’s not uncommon to turn a corner with DDDs and your tit smashes a hole in the drywall. Trust me. It happens more than you’d think.
And exercising with boobs is the worst. We MUST wear the dreaded sports bra. We must bite the bullet and have uniboob or else we’ll knock ourselves out with our own tits. Then there’s the back pain. Boobs are the reason we have back pain at the end of the day. It feels like your back took a roundhouse kick. Our tits basically kick our ass on the regular.
We Gotta Look Good All the Time
I’m the type of woman to wear a pound of makeup on my face when I go out. Like a ratchet work of art. But the moment I don’t wear makeup and go to work or see friends, the questions start coming at me. “Are you ok? Are you sick? You’re not going to die, are you?” Ugh. BITCH! THIS IS MY NATURAL FACE!
It’s unfair when a girl’s gotta shower, blow-dry and curl her hair, apply makeup, try on 17 outfits to find the right one, choose a perfume, put in contacts, pack a purse, brush her teeth, tweeze eyebrow hairs, take selfies, etc, etc. And how does your boyfriend get ready? He puts on a shirt, sprays some cologne and he’s good to go. The nerve!
As for the women who don’t regularly wear makeup and do their hair, people act shocked when you dress up for a special occasion “Wow! You should do that more often, you look great!” Do women NOT look great naturally? We just can’t win this one.
Gaining Weight
Women naturally carry more body fat than men. For baby-making or whatever. I can’t tell you how many girls will sit and watch their skinny ass boyfriend eat 9 tacos and not gain a pound. WE, on the other hand, gain 10 just by watching him do it. To top it off, we gain MORE when the period is starting; as if having a period alone isnt already shitty.
Dudes Assume We Wanna Smash
Women flirting and men flirting are very different activities. I like to smile and make conversation with new people. I just try to be friendly. This is taken as flirty for some unknown reason.
If a man tells a woman “good morning” and smiles, she simply sees it as a nice gesture. If a WOMAN tells a MAN “good morning” and smiles, it clearly means we want to have sex… immediately! I can’t tell you how many friend requests I have from random men asking to see my “bobs and vagine”. They slide into your DMs and go from “Hi, how are you” to “Can I see your ass” in the same minute.
Contrary to popular belief, this method does not work! And it’s even worse if you’re a lesbian. Preference for women is simply taken as a challenge to the small-brained male. It’s like questing for a forbidden treasure. Dudes think they can convince you to be straight. You’ll say “sorry I’m not interested, I’m a lesbian” and he’ll say “it’s cuz you haven’t had the right dick”. I swear this on my gay sister’s life.
Our Clothes
Take a good look at women’s clothing. They suck!
Do you like putting stuff in your pockets? Forgeddaboutit! Women’s denim pockets are useless and you can’t even fit your whole hand in them. Our cleavage honestly makes a better pocket than the pockets on our jeans!
Bras are expensive. I don’t wanna pay 60 bucks for a titty holding device that’s gonna shank my underboob like an angry prisoner within a month of purchase! Shirts are thin material and the short sleeve shirts barely cover your shoulders. Even worse, they expose our arm fat and we always hope you don’t notice our flabby bingo arms.
In summation, being a woman is a tough job. We have to be flawless while completely falling apart on the inside and out. But we can’t be TOO perfect either. Otherwise, we would all just be lesbians, cause we all know women are hotter than men.
But we push on. Most of us deal with it in some way and we put up with you too. So cut us some slack and give us a break now and then. We need all the help we can get. So get to it. Do the dishes, take the trash out, buy us some chocolate, and clean your beard hairs out of the damn sink already!
