If you’re anything like I was just a few years ago, you’ve had countless failed relationships, punctuated by shitty date after shitty date. You’ve suffered through depressingly lonely nights with one hand down your pants and the other in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Ya, you know. You’ve been there too, haven’t you? Tears streaming down your face wondering why the man of your dreams just ghosted you and never called you back.

Well, fear not ladies (and presumably any gay dudes who happen to stumble upon this article). I’m here to help! You see I’ve finally mastered the art of bagging the perfect man. Interested? You should be!

#1 – Tracking Down a Boyfriend

Step one ladies (or dudes, whatever floats your boat): You must first ask yourself this question. How does one acquire a boyfriend?

Long gone are the days when you actually met someone in person as our parents did. After all, we aren’t barbarians for Christ’s sake! Nowadays, savvy women meet quality men online! Don’t go for those silly apps that ask you stupid meaningless nonsense like “What do you want in a relationship?” or “Describe your perfect date”. No, girl. Go straight to Tinder!

There is literally a 0% chance that any decent man is going to spend forever talking about himself! And seriously, you know that’s not what you’re looking for in a boyfriend anyways. Hey, why lie? So get at it! Scroll through all the delicious men and swipe away!

Oh and PRO TIP, it’s always good to have a Snapchat! As we all know, Snapchat is a man’s preferred method of contact after exchanging messages on Tinder. Trust me! It’s ABSOLUTELY essential.

The next part I’m about to say may come as a bit of a shock if you are new to the dating scene. However, we’re all adults and I’m giving it to you straight. Men WILL send you pictures of their genitals at random points in your conversation! It’s not uncommon for women to be talking about their BBF’s baby’s baptism when BAM! Dick pic outta nowhere!

Don’t be alarmed, ladies. This is simply how men express their admiration of one’s beauty and intelligence! It’s a recognition that they see deep inside you and appreciate what you have to offer. Kind of like saying “Namaste”… but with a penis!

And that’s not all! Science is on my side here. In a study by BLC University in 2006, it was determined that 18 out of 20 men who had shown a woman a picture of their genitals felt overwhelming romantic feelings towards her. So ladies, if you get a random picture of his junk, don’t be offended, alarmed, or confused. It means he has accepted you as his GIRLFRIEND. Congrats!

You and Your Boyfriend

#2 – The Date

Alright, ladies. The first date can make or break your relationship. You need to be at the top of your game for this if you’re going to bag yourself a new boyfriend.

Make sure to skip the shower, and never put on deodorant. Let me repeat that again for those in the back. NEVER EVER wear deodorant! You want your man to be able to distinguish you from other females. The apocrine sweat glands secrete a complex organic cocktail of chemicals that give an individual their distinctive smell. This scent helps to make you more sexually attractive to your potential partner.

It’s science… look it up. And guys love scientific shit! He’ll appreciate that you’re an intelligent woman who knows science things, and he’ll appreciate that he can smell you from across the room.

You wanna look amazing at all times. Going for drinks? Dress like a whore. Going to a fine dining establishment? Dress like a whore anyways! This lets him know you are ready to mate. He won’t respect you if you dress like you’re going to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.

When you’re eating, he might expect you to engage in conversation. Be on your phone for the majority of the time. Look busy! And don’t let him know you have a job, its girl code. He needs to pay for everything. Order whatever you want and eat like a fucking pig! After all, he’s paying. With that in mind, feel free to order the appetizer, lobster, dessert, and wine!

Most importantly, and I can’t stress this one enough, constantly bring up your ex and how much you miss him. Doing so will stress to your new boyfriend just how desirable and emotionally stable you are. Guys love that shit!

Your Boyfriend Doesn't Like to Use Condoms

#3 – The Smash

So after the date, he’s obviously going to want to sleep with you. Guys don’t like condoms, so when the time comes, don’t use them! Tell him you’re on birth control. Men never check anyways!

The fake moan is key here ladies. We all do it. And while you’re at it, scream his name! During intercourse, never forget to drop the phrases “I love you” and “Don’t ever leave me!” This is a tried a true method. It’s a low-key way to assert your dominance and it certainly won’t freak him out at all.

On a first date, it’s always customary to let the guy nut inside you. After all, asking him to pull out is rude. However, if you’re a prude, always tell him to aim for your face or hair. Semen is a protein-rich substance that makes for a fantastic moisturizing treatment. Again, science comes to the rescue. He knows this. He sees you. And he likes what he sees. Trust me.

#4 – The Follow-up

At this point, your new boyfriend will typically ask you to go home immediately. Not to worry! This is completely natural. He’s desperately overwhelmed with passion, and the faster he forces you to leave, the more satisfied he is.

Keep him interested and don’t keep him waiting. This part is key! Text him as soon as you get into your car! “I miss you already!” He may not text back right away, but that’s okay because you’re going to tell him again as soon as you get home. Don’t be afraid to double text if he doesn’t respond in a timely manner.

Next, change your Facebook relationship status immediately so that the world knows he’s yours. Be sure to post that picture you took of him when he wasn’t looking. And if you have Photoshop skills, slap his head on your old boyfriend and you’ll be good to go.

Finally, start making plans for your next date as soon as humanly possible.

happy woman on tablet

You’ve Bagged Yourself a Boyfriend!

Now that you’ve finally got your new boyfriend, surprise him by showing up at his house tomorrow unannounced. And make sure to bring your children. What? You forgot to tell him that you have kids? Oopsy, but no worries. He’ll want to meet them and they want to meet their new stepdaddy!